Childfree by Choice: When everyone in your life is having kids…
Hello. I want to start off by normalizing some feelings that I believe are difficult for most women to talk about.
When everyone in your life seems to be having kids and you've chosen a child-free path, it's normal to feel left out. It's normal to feel scared. It's okay to feel twinges of jealousy, loss, and even annoyance when you find out your best friend who you thought was going to live a childfree life alongside you tells you she's pregnant. These feelings don't make you a bad friend or a selfish person...they just mean you are human.
What's not talked about, is the normal grieving process many women go through when their most sacred connections and friendships change. When your friends are your family, and you've worked hard to make that so, it can sometimes feel threatening to find them going down very different life paths. Life paths that will undoubtedly change who they are forever and how their lives look in profound ways.
I've spoken to many women, friends and clients alike who worry about what will happen to the friendships they cherish the most when kids come into the picture. Will we stay close? Will there be a place for me? Will I still be able to connect with these friends in the ways I value most? It's normal to feel a sense of loss, and even fear about these things.
I also want to emphasize how normal it is to start questioning your decision, in being child-free, as the right choice. Even if all your instincts tell you this is the right decision, how could you not question it if nearly all your friends are choosing such a different life path? There are so many rich complexities to discuss here and this topic deserves a separate blog post, but I wanted to touch on this idea.
There is no one size fits all approach to address these concerns as they are complex, nuanced, and everyone is different. There are, however, a few meaningful things I have found to be extremely helpful in moving through these crossroads in a friendship. Here are some of them:
1. Talk to your friends you cherish the most about your feelings. I know this can feel scary, and you might worry about your friends viewing you as selfish. At the end of the day, they are going to feel special knowing how much their friendship means to you. Remember that you having these feelings doesn't take away from your feelings of happiness and support for them, and they will be able to see you as a whole person if they are good friends.
2. Ask your friends how you can support them during this change in their life. Maybe it's coming over and doing laundry or making a meal while they take a shower and get a break from holding their baby. Maybe it's whisking them away for an evening (once they're ready) and giving them a taste of what their life used to look like. Maybe it's simply sitting down and connecting deeply with another adult, which I can guarantee you they are in need of.
I encourage you to ask your friends: what can you each do to hold each other accountable and put in the effort? My friend who just had twins recently told me "please don't forget to invite me to things, even though I likely won't be able to come". She explained it reminded her that I care, and want her in my life. I shared with her how helpful this reminder is, since I had indeed written her off for the foreseeable future as not being able to attend most events.
3. Try and diversify your community. Easier said than done, I know...but I promise you there are plenty of thriving human beings out there that have consciously chosen to not have children. If you are only spending time with your mom-friends and no one else, it can absolutely feel isolating and at times limiting.
If you have access to a child-free community, foster those friendships too. Remember that each friendship in your life is special and has unique gifts to offer. All friendships don't need to (and probably can't) meet all of your expectations, which is why it never hurts to have different people you can turn to for different things. Maybe you can grab a spontaneous drink with your child-free friend on a weeknight, and have a soulful deep conversation with your best friend who is now also a mom on a planned date.
4. Seek out resources to get this process started and feel held by communities that already exist. I can't stress how important this first step is! Resources that I have found to be incredibly helpful and uplifting include: the DINKY podcast, and Keltie Maguire's website (which also includes an excellent podcast).